Mojo Lost

 I hate it when that happens. 

I was so looking forward to deck time this morning with temps in the lower 60's. Even drug my DSLR and telephoto out with me.  Only used it a couple of times to snap a hummingbird and even that sucked.

Fall is teasing me but I won't fall (no pun intended) for that. 

I watched a mouse traverse the bush all the way to the top and back down again.

Watched the squirrels scurry for the - whatever it is my other half feeds them. Listened to a band of blue jays having a serious discussion about something. Saw the elusive Black-headed Grosbeak avoiding the heck out of my lens. 

I finally gave up and just stared into the empty blue sky. Realizing it was about as empty as I felt at the moment.

Back inside I can always count on my constant companion to look out for me. Literally. 

So many thoughts...

A Saturday in August

 These days I bid my time as a "retired" person, yet find myself busier than ever. The difference is ~ now I do things usually of my choosing and usually in my own time. Yes, I realize how blessed I am. Because I remember working three jobs with no child support. I don't take a day for granted.

That said, there is still something special about a weekend. I'm equally blessed that where I live no matter how hot the temperature may rise during the day, the early morning hours are cool and inviting.

So I spend an hour or two on my deck reading. And listening to the birds. Sometimes snuggling with my "I'm not sure if I really like being outside" dog. Taking the random photo of things that catch my eye ~ and make my mind wander. Texting friends, sending silly cat videos. 

Books about cats... so many books about cats. And iced chai. Sometimes with a shot of Bailey's; most times not. And flowers and herbs to tend, bird bathes to clean and refresh. 

The almost silent whirr of hummingbird wings. 

While I missed snapping a pic of him, I'm certain what I saw bathing in the bird bath (so stinkin' cute) was a Black-headed Grosbeak. The other day I remarked that I'm picking up on a beautiful new birdsong ~ we have a new bird in the bunch. I did some research and yup, I'm certain it's this fella'. I'm determined to capture my own pic of him!

And the usual cast of characters. 

And a new little friend

Sometimes flight patterns for DIA (Denver International) change and we get an influx of planes overhead coming in for a landing. 

Seeing them and hearing them this morning brought back a memory from 2020. The Pandemic.

And I remember a friend asking me, "When is the last time you heard a plane overhead?"

It had been weeks. 

Weeks on end of silence. And people dying. And the extreme fear of the unknown. It was a frightening time to be alive.

Which, is why despite the horrendous time we are living thru in our country right now, I have faith that the tide will turn. We will be ok. 

Because we as a country are survivors. 

Something's Happening

In what would appear to be a total dichotomy to my last post… it’s not always easy being positive.

 Not every day. Because some days – or days piled on top of each other – end up being the compilation of one glorious shitty day. The equivalent being – it’s too much, enough is enough.  

 When you put your faith in something – a cause, a political system, a country – and it all seems to be falling down… it’s hard to remain positive. Worries about life as we know it, families, humanity, welfare – you know, those 3AM thoughts that make sleep impossible and result in the walking dead syndrome the next day.

 I am a child of the 60’s. Granted I was too young to really do any protesting (I was born in 1954) but I still consider myself a flower child, a kid for peace. I still have the peace symbol earrings I wore in high school.

 I followed the Viet Nam War and Kent State and Woodstock and Haight Ashbury all that was happening in that era really closely. JFK was assassinated when I was 10 years old, Martin Luther King and RFK shortly after. I was just a kid, but even then I felt things deeply.

 But my sadness now isn’t all about politics and the tragic road we are heading down. I feel a disappointment in things in general. Not all the time, not every day but it will hit me out of the blue. I try to do my best, to give back, to make a difference but sometimes it just seems futile. It makes me question everything ~ like, what am I even doing.

 I recently came upon a quote that spoke to me:

  “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

 As I’m typing this my 16.5 year old cat, Kobie, is on my lap with his head buried in the crook of my arm. Kobie is a very loving cat but has never been a lap cat. In the last few weeks he has begged to be on my lap. It is lovely but I truly sense he is telling me he’s slowing down; he wants the comfort of my arms. He has a couple of serious health issues which we are handling with medication, but it’s not necessarily anything that will get better.

It all has me searching for meaning. That sucks because at 70 years old I should have some answers by now.

But something is happening. 

Hello Butterfly

It is surprising that someone I didn’t know that well has had such a lasting impact on my life.

Elizabeth was a quiet force of nature. She was brilliant but understated. She was someone that I would describe as, “She really takes a bite out of life.”

Her 60^th birthday party in November 2024 was a lovely affair. True to her fun personality it was a Frida Kahlo themed party. There had to be 70 people from all over the country poured into her sweet home. Food and drink and laughter flowed for hours.

It was the last time I saw her. She passed away in January 2025 when the cancer that she had once defeated consumed her tiny frame.

A couple of weeks ago we attended her celebration of life in a beautiful garden setting. Flowers and hummingbirds surrounded the canopied tables. Food was abundant, wine was passed; friends and family shared stories of her life, laced with laughter and tears.

A prosecco toast to her closed the day.  

I looked around at the people who had come to honor her. Family, people from her childhood, people from high school, college, grad school and into her adult life. They came, again, from all over the country – she brought all these people together.

But there was more. Throughout the ceremony I noticed a yellow butterfly flitting about – around the tables, lighting on flowers nearby as if it was observing, it was listening. As we left, I whispered, “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

We were gifted with a beautiful handout containing the story of her life as well as several photos. One photo struck me. 

Throughout her life and especially near the end, she maintained a positive attitude. I’m finding that inspirational, especially in these unsettled times as well as with everyday issues that arise.

How lucky I am to be here.

How lucky I am to rise each morning to feed my Many Paws and give them the medications that help them survive. Being their Kahu is an honor. It sounds so trite but it is true – how lucky I am to enjoy the quiet of an early morning with nothing but birds singing, my dog by my side and a good book in my hand.

I am grateful, so grateful for time with the partner I chose 32 years ago. For the texts with my sons and video chats with my grandchildren. Girl time with my girlfriends. Giving back in my small way to animals I love so much.  

 Thank you yellow butterfly for reminding me to take nothing for granted. And to appreciate the gift that is every day.

 You just never know when someone will touch your life. My advice? Be open to possibilities.

I Blame the Pandemic.

I blame the Pandemic. The terrifying time of COVID-19 when millions died. 

I blame the Pandemic for scaring the beegeebers out of me – and every human on the planet. A fear I had never experienced. Uncertainty and who do we trust was a daily issue. Besides grieving all the beautiful people who were lost, we all experienced it in our own way. 

I blame the Pandemic for the 10 lbs I gained. Because we were all going to die anyway so I’m going to bake all the bread and eat it. 

I’m going to bake all the chocolate chip cookies and eat all of them. All. Of. Them. 

We’re going to have mac and cheese (the five cheese homemade kind) 

and mashed potatoes smothered in butter and pizza 

and burritos and tacos every night. Because we’re all going to die anyway. Oh and all the chocolate. All. Of. It. 

I blame the Pandemic for adopting two little rescue dogs impulsively – and probably before we were really ready. Because we had just lost our Koko and Kizzie dogs three weeks apart and we were extremely vulnerable and grieving. Our new little dogs were found wrapped in a blanket and tossed in a ditch. So, yeah, two little dogs with big issues. We will soon mark five years with them and while they have overcome a lot, they still have issues and some mid-to-serious health issues. 

I blame the Pandemic for turning an already introverted person (that would be moi) into someone who no longer knew how to interact with other humans in real life. So all in all, the Pandemic as far as the "We're all going to die" part didn’t really bother me. I had my Many Paws and my husband and my hobbies 

and my books and my movies and video chats with my kids and grandkids, Happy Hour via Zoom with friends in other countries. I did dog training with the best dog trainer ever via FaceTime. I made blankets for the shelter cats 

and had two hour crafting sessions via Skype with my four year old granddaughter in the PNW. 

We even had a kringla making (Norwegian shortbread – another story for another day) video session before Christmas. 

When it finally felt "safe" being out in public I did so cautiously, tiptoeing back into the real world. 

Masked up I finally returned to my shelter volunteering. 

I was nervous in the grocery store and breezed thru my shopping list post haste. My social anxiety was maxed out so socializing was a challenge. 

But slowly, and with patience, a couple of dear friends held my hand, calmed my anxiety and hugs and lunches were possible again. 

I blame the Pandemic for my borderline hoarding because ordering things online whilst in my pajamas and drinking a glass of wine was waaaaay too easy. I needed a treat so I ordered a plethora of art and crafting supplies. I ordered storage bins to organize the plethora of arts and crafting supplies.

I blame the Pandemic for adopting too many cats. Well, technically the last three, a bonded trio, we adopted arrived in the fall of 2019 but, close enough.

So now in 2025 I have some of those same feelings I had during the Pandemic. I’m not so worried about my physical health (although bird flu is looming) as I am about my mental and emotional health. 

I find myself wanting to retreat back into my safe place. My home. Surrounded by my best friend of 33 years, my dogs, my cats, my art, my crafts, my movies, my books… Because it’s really scary out there. 

I am not religious but I am spiritual. I believe The Universe brings things to us and if we are aware, we hear them, we see them. I believe in signs. 

The other day I was cleaning a bookcase. When I removed a couple of books, this fell out on the floor. I’m still trying to process what The Universe is telling me. 

This is a scary time, a dangerous time, a time of the unknown and unfamiliar as to what lies ahead. So I try to find some solace in things like this:

“That breath you just took? That’s a gift.”  *Rob Bell*

Cherish every day. 

Curiosity

 My first camera was a Kodak Instamatic 110. You know the one with the cute flash shaped like a cube that would pop flash, rotate, repeat. I was 16 and a senior in high school. 

Over the years I have been a casual recreational photographer but it wasn’t until I stumbled upon an online photo sharing site called flickr that my interest really peaked. In 2005 flickr absolutely changed the way I looked at photography, the way I produced images and certainly changed the way I looked at the world. I began to see beauty in everything. 

And I learned so much in my flickr days. Different lenses and different techniques, different editing methods. I even went retro and back to film playing with a Polaroid camera and a little Diana Lomography (toy) camera. 

I saw how an image that would have been a throw-away in the past was now a creative new thing.

TtV - now that was a new one! Thru the Viewfinder was a fun way to create images with a grainy, vintage feel. Takes a little practice but I loved it and am just now rediscovering it. Back in the day I constructed a tube to place over the vintage twin lens Argus. I point my DSLR or Point & Shoot or even my cell phone camera into the tube (or directly over the top viewfinder) and snap away.

The result is a grainy square unique image. It takes some practice, some patience and some time but challenges can be fun. Especially when I see an image that makes me smile. 

In more recent times I purchased two additional twin lens cameras - one vintage, a Brownie Starflex camera and one new plastic lens twin lens camera. These images were created by aiming my iPhone camera over the viewfinder of each. 

Brownie Starflex images:

The plastic twin lens camera produced an image exactly as one would think - like shooting thru plastic! 

I am grateful to be curious and always ready to learn something new - expand my horizons, let down my guard and not be afraid to make a mistake. I learn much more from my mistakes than things just going perfectly.

And in this day and age... anything to distract me for just an hour or so from the nightmare that is our reality.